The Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects

It is now just over Two years since I joined Twitter, sixteen months since I started this blog, and I can't remember the date when I set up my Facebook page. All of which is NO EXCUSE whatsoever for revisiting some of the more popular blog posts. But then, when have I ever needed an excuse.
Remember this one?


A vexing week at Hedges Towers. I think I am developing Copenhagen Syndrome. Every time something goes wrong, I find myself putting on a different jumper and thinking: 'what would Sara Lund do?' The new mobile phone is a case in point. I decided to upgrade to a new phone when the B H  E and U keys died on my ancient one, and the predictive text stuck on 'I am in the bar' rather than 'I am in the car'. Wrong impressions were being conveyed, I was having to think sideways every time I sent a text and my street cred was rapidly descending into the clown zone.

What I had failed to grasp however, was that mobile phone technology has moved on considerably since I bought my little silver 'mum-phone' many moons ago which means that currently, if you chose for so many reasons, most of them associated with sheer terror and no money, to lurk down the shallow end of the technology pool, your choices are few. Basically it was either the black Nokia one that looked almost but not exactly the same as my previous mobile, or the Hello Kitty phone with free pencil set. I chose the Nokia; I chose wrong.

Getting it out of the box was, in hindsight, the easy part. It then took me ages to unlock the keypad - simply couldn't get the Press * key to align with the Press Unlock key. By the time I'd mastered that, my faith in the ability to absorb new skills had melted away like snow in summer. Two days later, tentative progress has been made, despite the instruction booklet not being aimed at someone with technological skills so low you couldn't limbo under them. I still haven't worked out how to switch it off, though. (Am I the only person on the planet who turns off their mobile phone to save the battery? Apparently so.)

It's all part of what I see as the Conspiracy of Inanimate Objects, something I've observed is becoming worse as I grow older. Although the truth of that sentence could lie in the reverse premise. Whatever. Everything just seems to be getting proactively more annoying. For example, I'm fully expecting Sainsburys to post a notice any day banning me from the store, because I always end up rowing with the invisible purple gremlin inside the self-checkout till in a 'That's not an unidentified object in the bagging area - it's my SHOPPING, you stupid woman!' sort of way. I've noticed that assistants now seem to hover apprehensively whenever I approach.

In the same category is the Orange phone lady who tops up my pay-as-you-go account, and will not allow me to deviate from answering either 'yes' or 'no' to her questions. But my life is full of uncertainty, I wail, how can I possibly commit myself to only two possibilities? Is there no room for 'maybe'? At which point, she cuts me off and I have to restart the whole process from scratch. See what I mean?

 Before writing this post, I had to restore and reload Chrome, as it had decided to stroll off somewhere and commune with itself. Oh - and the printer is currently not working, despite kicking it, feeding it with paper and pressing all the buttons. Stuff that is supposed to make my life easier is by default managing to make it far more complicated. I am careening towards a farcical cliff. Time to break out another jumper?

The PINK SOFA welcomes Vanessa Wester

Vanessa Wester is one of the many lovely writers I met on Twitter. Not only is she a prolific writer, a mum of 3 and a witty Tweeter, she is also a great cook and makes lovely cakes and cupcakes, frequently posting luscious pictures on line to prove it. I asked Vanessa to share her writing journey with us. This is what she said:

''I used to write all the time as a child and then a teenager, but as with many things, I lost confidence and became convinced I was no good. It was in 2010, after I watched an interview with Stephanie Meyer that a switch flicked in my brain. I had permission to write - I was not being silly if I wrote. Lots of people did, why not me? I still sometimes revert to my old way of thinking, but I'm glad that a lot of people seem to disagree...

I usually write in our small study on my ancient (but hanging on) computer. Although I have to admit that I started with a notepad as I looked after my one year old, and then transferred it to my PC or laptop. I watched TV and wrote too. Recently, I used a notepad again for a short story. I have to admit that even though it takes longer, the ideas flow naturally, no distraction.


I self-published via Smashwords as I got fed up with wasting time and money posting manuscripts to agents. I got a lot of feedback from self-publishing, which was great, and prepared me for publishing on Amazon two months later, and Createspace a month after that. I actually feel like a publisher now! Recently, I've compiled a book of short stories with 7 other writers; it's called Out of Darkness. Proceeds will go to charity, and we intend to publish collections of seasonal shorts throughout the year. (The PINK SOFA likes the sound of this!) 

The best thing about writing is the complete and utter escapism that comes with it. Creating a new habitat and species (for The Evolution Trilogy) was great fun; it still is. The worst thing about writing (since I am self-published) is the EDITING. So, so hard ....
I stick to a word count of about 2,000 words per chapter, aiming for about 50 chapters, or a total length of 100,000. This was what I was told when I started asking for advice and I have to say it works for me.

The Evolution Trilogy is a SciFi romantic suspense trilogy that charts the way a university student, Steven Thorn finds out he is a Hybrid, and how his attempts to live a normal life and the decisions he makes affect the ones he loves. It started as a series, but I decided to stop after 3 books, with the option to continue in the future. The first book, HYBRID is available from Amazon and Smashwords (Barnes & Noble, Kobo etc). It is also on Smashwords. 

The second book, COMPLICATIONS, follows Steven to a community in the Amazon jungle, where he thinks he has found a safe haven. Steven does not intend to let his hybrid nature dictate who he is, but soon realises he wants his own life and his girl back. The book is just out on Amazon and Smashwords.''

Connect with Vanessa via: Twitter @vanessa_wester. 
Blog: www.vanessawesterwriter.blogspot.com.    http://shortstoriesgroup.blogspot.co.uk.
http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6421055.Vanessa_Wester

Thanks Vanessa. And a special thank you for bringing a lovely selection of tempting home made cakes and mince pies with you. I'm sure visitors to the writing garret are going to enjoy those! Vanessa is staying around to chat, so please join her on the PINK SOFA and find out more about her books.

The PINK SOFA'S Christmas Party!

What is Christmas without a PARTY! So step inside the writing garret, gentle reader, and help yourself to a party hat, a handful of poppers and a tinsel wreath. This party is special - 2012 has been a momentous year for many reasons, and it is time to celebrate!!

BANG!! Ah, you found the box of crackers. No, I don't know what Vampires sing on New Year's Eve..... ''Auld Fang's Syne''. Hahah - love it. OK, while you're attacking the sausage rolls, grabbing a drink  and introducing yourself to the other guests, I'll just run through some of the events that made this year so special for me. Please share your special events later.


In February, as part of the BBC Radio 4 'Leap for Leap Year' Project, I had my first tattoo done. Live. On Air. While being interviewed by Eddie Mair and Robert Peston. It's the opening words of Caliban's speech from 'The Tempest'. Didn't appreciate then how appropriate the words would prove to be.

In May, I started this blog, really as a way of expiating the frustration I was feeling as book after book got turned down by mainstream publishers. Now, the blog has two lovely awards - thank you, and gets regularly visited by a lot of people every week who seem to enjoy it, so once again, thank you very much.

In July, after much toil and travail, I published my first Ebook.

It is a re-written version of a novel originally published by OUP, which was long-listed for the Carnegie. I haven't made my first million yet, but it has got some great reviews, and the experience of publishing it was ... er ... interesting.

In August, the PINK SOFA arrived in the writing garret at the top of Hedges Towers. Since then, it has hosted some of the cream of independent writers such as:

              Not forgetting
two very special people without whom this year would have been quite different: Juliet Archer, writer extraordinaire and good personal friend, and Talli Roland, who has patiently steered the Good Ship Hedges through the choppy waters of the social media world. 

Also in August I signed up to Twitter @carolJhedges. I found it a bit daunting at first, like joining a new school, but now I have made so many great friends - looking round, I can see loads of them are here at the party, so can we all raise a glass to: Lynn, Hap, Joe, Rosalind, Sooz, Jacy, Anne, Val, the Carols, Jo, Mandy, Richards, Chris, TT,, Bev, Vanessa, Lizzie, Jolene, The Romaniacs,the A-mericans and the Blokes-with-very-plain-blogs (Hahaha). And to all the rest of you of course, too numerous to mention.

Then there was the Public Inquiry in December, closely followed by the big event of the year, which of course, is the wedding of DD. No formal pics yet - but here's one that got taken earlier, on the day she bought her beautiful wedding dress at a charity designer bridal sale for a fraction of what it should have cost. 

Ah - I see Ralph has arrived with the music. And Kate's got a tray of lovely cocktails ready. And Andrew's all ready to recite us a Christmas poem. So, if someone would like to push the PINK SOFA over against the wall, let the festivities begin - and a Very Happy Christmas to You All!

Law and Disorder

Roman Snail

First, here's the good news: I have discovered a new diet. Ditch Dukan, forget fasting, sack stomach stapling and bin breaking everything into little pieces so that the calories fall out. This diet is called: Drrrrrr (drum-roll) The Lay Advocate Diet!

Our Public Inquiry has finished, and I can now fit into the kick mother-of-the-bride dress I bought that needed, ooh, a tad less hip and a tad more hooray to be totally comfortable. I am slowly readjusting to not being constantly referred to by the Council's unpleasant lawyer as 'The Applicant', which made me sound like a character out of a novel by Charles Dickens - one of those who hung around outside workhouses looking indigent.

And I haven't had the recurring bus dream for several nights: Long story. Not enough time to relate the surrounding circumstances now. Suffice to say that the therapy is helping greatly, thanks for being concerned. The Inspector has given me a couple more weeks to make my final written submission, as Chummy (the nickname we gave the Council's obnoxious self-important barrister) put in so much extra documentation outwith the exchange protocol, I didn't get time to study it all. So I shall continue to be a razor blade in their candyfloss for a while longer.

Highlights of the past few days: Prancing around in a pencil skirt and smart tailored jacket. Getting away with almost being a lawyer - then realizing that I don't have to pretend to be one again. Ever. Being applauded for my speech. That memorable moment on the second day when Chummy sneeringly remarked that, 'as the Applicant is not a qualified lawyer, I'd better explain the Beresford Case to her,' and the Inspector slapped him down with, 'I have read Mrs Hedges' folder and listened to her opening statements, and I believe she has an extremely good grasp of the law.'

Regrets? I have a few, but then again, too few to mention - oh go on, since you asked: Discovering  that my 'intelligent' face seems to be identical to my 'one brain cell and it's out to lunch' face. Also it would have been nice to have finished completely. It would have been equally nice to have got up, crossed the floor and punched Chummy when he subjected one of my lovely volunteer community witnesses to a bullying cross-examination. Most of all, I regret never getting to use the word  'bailywick' somewhere in the proceedings because it is such a great word, and I hadn't come across it before the Leveson Inquiry and I've been dying to use it ever since. But then, I'm not a lawyer, so it's not strictly my bailywick.

The PINK SOFA Welcomes Richard Hardie

Richard Hardie

The PINK SOFA is delighted to welcome a very special guest. Not only does Richard Hardie write YA adventure books with feisty female heroines, as I do, but today is the launch of his second book in the Temporal Detective Agency series. It's called Trouble with Swords and The PINK SOFA is honoured to be part of the celebrations. To mark this wonderful occasion, there are coloured fairy lights and paper chains, as well as sweets and bubble gum on the coffee table (YA food). Tuck in.

The PINK SOFA asked Richard some questions. Here's what he said:

" I love writing for Young Adults, or to put it another way, anyone from the age of 12 to 80. The plot is everything, but I have to admit sometimes I don't know what is going to happen next, though I find the characters always know. I always know the main plotline and how the story is going to end and why.

The Temporal Detective Agency is a series of books that follows the adventures of Tertia (15) and Unita (17), two of Merlin's apprentices. In the books, Merlin is actually a woman, and the Agency is formed when she and Arthur go off to the Isle of Avalon together. The Agency moved from Camelot to the 21st century to get more interesting cases and better bathroom facilities. It uses Merlin's old cave as an office and her Time Portal to move in time. Galahad is now a celebrity chef and runs the Ole Grill Spanish themed restaurant as a front.

The idea came out of a Gang Show script that I co-wrote with Terry Pratchett in 2002 for the Scouts and Guides Association. I always thought it had potential as a book. 10 years later, with multiple rewrites and edits, the first and second books have appeared as ebooks. A third book is scheduled for May 2013.

I write in a large study at home, equipped with chair, settee, TV, business phone, fax, stereo and coffee. It's also equipped with a cocker spaniel called Benjie, who is threatening to be in Book 3 of the series. I find that writing in any other room is difficult because of the many household distractions. Twice a year, when I take Benjie down to the Gower peninsular in Wales I usually manage to get in at least two hours' work, and frequently plot solutions will occur to me as we stride along the coastal path, soaking wet, totally alone and enjoying every minute!

Like many authors, I occasionally go off at a tangent, and need to do ruthless editing to bring the story back on track. One piece of advice I'll always hold dear, is the instruction from an agent friend. I have it on a piece of paper above my PC. It says GOWTS, which stands for Get On With The Story, and is the best advice I ever had.

If I had any advice for an aspiring writer, it would be listen to your friends and to other writers. If they say what you've written is great ..it may just be. However if they hesitate and say it's okay ...it's probably not very good at all. Time for a rethink and a rewrite. Terry Pratchett gave me an excelletn piece of advice when I told him I wanted to write a book. He told me to keep the day job! I have, but I still hope that one day I'll be able to support my family by writing about the Temporal Detective Agency. 

Above all, writing a book is a long and complex process. It's not a 100 metre sprint, it's a Marathon, and as Thomas Edison said: 'Inventing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.' So it is with writing. Having said that, keep trying. A good author thrives on rejection. I did, and so did someone called J K Rowling!"

Leap of Faith and Trouble With Swords are both available as ebooks on Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com, Goodreads and Authorsden
Richard's website and blog is at: www.rhardie.com. He is also on Facebook at The Temporal Detective Agency page.

Thanks Richard - what amazing sounding ebooks! Richard is going to drop in during the week to meet and greet, so leave him a comment - and try not to stick your gum under the coffee table, please!

Legally Insane

As many of you know, I am the lay advocate on a Town Green Public Inquiry. Briefly, our local town council wants to cram an inappropriate Tesco School of Architecture development on to a disused allotment site, now designated a Wildlife area, and containing rare Roman Snails. They are so rare they are IUCN Red Listed all across Europe. (Think White Rhino, but smaller and in a shell). We are trying to preserve the adjoining Playing Field, which they have also woefully neglected over the years, and which we suspect they have in their sights as well.

'Lay advocate' means that I know sweet F.A. about the law, but I'm piling in anyway. Mainly because we can't afford a proper lawyer. I've already blogged about my attempts to construct my legal arguments (A Law Unto Myself). If you haven't read this and want a laugh, do check it out on the Archive. After writing that particular blog, I found myself 'followed' by several lawyers, who appear to think I am the funniest thing since public executions.

Westfield Playing Fields

Every now and then though, something happens that lightens the darkness that descends when I contemplate the enormity of what I am about to do. Like the discovery that the council, eschewing the free in-house legal services, have hired themselves a specialist and no doubt horrendously expensive barrister to 'fight' me, thus completely losing the moral high ground that they weren't holding in the first place.

Last week, my spirits were also lifted by the discovery of a little picnic bench, that mysteriously 'appeared' on the field. The Council Fairy has, it seems, decided to make a visit. Bear in mind that we have been asking them for some seating for years. Now, two weeks before a Public Inquiry, and a site visit from the Inspector, who will see for himself how run-down and neglected our park is, we have seating. Mirabile dictu! (My Inner Cynic is currently bent double with laughter).

I am posting a photo of the little bench, because I wouldn't put it past the council to remove it after the PI and put it somewhere else more deserving. So here it is:

The little picnic bench

The town council's current mission statement is, Closer to the Community. I have suggested they might like to change it to, May contain Nuts.

Next week: The PINK SOFA is dusted down and made ready to welcome a new guest. There may be some Xmas decorations to admire as well.

A Lovely Blog Award

Scarcely has the dust begun settling gently on my first Blog Award, when Rosalind Adam of Rosalind Adam is Writing in the Rain (http://rosalindadam.blogspot.com)  - a blog I highly recommend you check out for its beautiful and often very moving poetry and prose, lands me with this one.

The deal is that I have to write about my experiences, good and bad, as a blogger, then recommend 5 other brilliant bloggers for the same award. As I've recently written a post about blogs, however : A Blog about Blogs, I thought I'd go short and sweet and open this one up to you.

When I posted my first blog, 'In the beginning was the deed' on May 7th, I had three visitors, two of whom were family members I bribed into reading it, and one comment. Now, six months on, I regularly get 250+ people reading the blogs - which rose to an unbelievable 665 when I ranted about Waterstones, and upward of 20 comments. Not to mention the comments on the comments. People are meeting each other on my blog, falling in love and getting married - no, no they aren't really, it just seems like that sometimes.

This is still short of some of the American blogs I follow however, where it takes so long to scroll down to the comment box that you almost loose heart! (sorry, Kelly - don't mean it!) And it leads me to ask: what makes an addictive blog? What keeps you returning to the same writer time and time again? 

Does the style influence you? Or is it the content - and if so, what makes 'good' content? I think the rise in my readership coincides directly with my appearance on Twitter - does being present on social media forums increase traffic? Does blogging sell books? Over to you..... oh, and it's ONE biscuit each!


My choice for this Award is slightly unusual: I'm not recommending 5 individual bloggers, but a group, The Romaniacs (www.theromaniacgroup.wordpress.com). To me, their joint blog embodies everything that a good blog should be: funny, informative, endlessly entertaining and they are generous sharers with other writers! Ladies - please accept this award; you richly deserve it.

The PINK SOFA welcome Chris Hill

Chris Hill

Chris Hill is one of the many lovely writers I met on Twitter. He was kind enough, on a very short acquaintance, to let me scrounge a guest blog to publicize Jigsaw Pieces when it came out in August, and so it is a great pleasure to return the favour.
Chris is also the first man to climb the rickety stairs to the garret at the top of Hedges Towers and grace THE PINK SOFA with his presence, and there are special Danish butter cookies on the coffee table to celebrate.

So, Chris, tell us about yourself , and your writing trajectory?

I work in PR for a children's charity. Before that, I was a newspaper journalist, starting as a reporter, then a news-editor, sub-editor and finally editor. It's a job where you meet all manner of people from every station in life, which I think helped me as a writer. At home I have two sons who keep me busy, so I do the usual family stuff. I run sometimes, when I can be bothered, and I did the London Marathon a couple of years ago (THE PINK SOFA is impressed. The only exercise it does is jumping to conclusions) - mostly I'd rather sit around in front of the TV or listen to music though. Oh - and I read; I'm always reading.

I remember writing as a child - maybe even when I was at junior school. I used to write scraps in the back of old school notebooks - not proper stories or poems but attempts at fiction certainly. I can't remember why I started but I've always loved reading so I guess it grew out of that.

In my 20's I got more serious and my writing began to take on proper shape and structure. Eventually I started writing stories I felt were good enough to enter competitions - then I started winning some, which was obviously encouraging. Later on I progressed to attempting novels. I've completed three so far - this is the first I've found a publisher for. It's been a learning process - it still is!

I guess what I write could be called 'literary fiction'  or 'general fiction' - it's what I read and what I'm passionate about. Themes can be whatever interests me at the time - if an idea snags me, I'll work it through in my notebook and if it appears there's enough for a story or even a novel, I'll start work on it.

Chris' new novel

Song of the Sea God, my newly published novel, is a book about a man who comes to a small island off the coast in northern England and tries to convince the locals he is a god. In some ways I suppose it's a book about the nature of religion - what it means to people, how it works. I'd like to think there's humour in there, particularly in the narrative voice, but it's quite a dark book as well; it delves into some quite murky places.

Chris also has a blog at http://songoftheseagod.wordpress.com/ where he talks about writing and other stuff.

Thank you very much, Chris - THE PINK SOFA likes the sound of your book - available in all bookshops, plus online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. And it's already garnering some good reviews! Chris will be staying around to chat for a while, so why don't you take a seat and ask him something ? Or share your own writing experience.

Calm down dear, it's only Twitter-rage

An interesting week at Hedges Towers. To Sainsburys to buy some sparklers for DD's wedding in December. Approaching the fireworks counter, I was informed by the young assistant that I had to complete my shopping before I could buy them. Asked why - and was told that it was a safety precaution to prevent customers setting them off in the store. I am now officially the oldest juvenile delinquent on the block!

Also this week I managed to got involved in a Twitter-spat with two other writers over an issue that I expressed an opinion upon, I thought generally, but was instantly interpreted as a criticism. This is the first time it has happened to me, though not the first time I've witnessed spats taking place, in my role as usually innocent bystander.

Which led me to think about how we act towards one another on such a restrictive medium as Twitter. Are there unwritten rules of behaviour? Because if we want to participate and put ourselves out there, we are going to meet individuals whose opinions and stances differ radically from ours. How should we deal with this?

I believe there is a difference between disagreeing over a particular issue, and launching a personal attack on another Twitter member. I have never witnessed the latter, thankful to say, but I can completely understand why, in such a circumstance, one would want to create digital distance by 'unfollowing' the attacker. 

 'Unfollowing' someone with whom you happen to have started a lively dialogue over an issue, however strongly you or they feel about it, is in my opinion the equivalent of stamping your foot, storming out and slamming the door. I did it at 13. Maybe you did it too. I don't do it now because I hope I'm more 'grown up.' Thus I am happy to say: 'OK, let's agree to differ on this one. Good luck anyway,' and drop out of the discussion, which is what I chose to do in the spat I got involved in. 

Also, I always remind myself, whenever I am tempted to let rip, of what happened when I 'did' the Edinburgh Festival a few years ago. There I witnessed a rather nasty row take place, in public, between two very well-known children's writers. I remember thinking at the time: if that's the way you behave, then I don't think I want to buy your books. And I never have.

So what do you think? Should you speak your mind - whatever the outcome? How do you deal with Twitter-rage? I'd really like to know.

Next week: The PINK SOFA welcomes another wonderful guest.

A Blog about Blogs

Oh dear. Blogs have been getting a bit of a kicking recently, haven't they? Various writers have come out publicly and announced that they've abandoned theirs, as the effort and energy put into them doesn't seem worth it. Others have thrown their metaphorical hats into the ring and admitted that they have reduced their blog posts from regular to intermittent, and that they don't follow, read or comment upon other writers' blogs any more as they no longer have the time.

I posted my first blog on May 5th, so obviously, I am not in a position to comment, but equally obviously, that has never stopped me in the past: I like blogs. I write this one, host interesting guests on it, and I read and comment on other blogs too. 

A blog is a way of getting instant feedback and staying connected to the world beyond one's mentally enclosed writing space. For those who don't want to tackle a whole book, a blog is a satisfying outlet for their writing talents. For the marvellous poets whose blogs I read, I guess it is the only way to reach readers, as poetry is an even more restricted field than prose.

I also value the discipline of having to produce a complete piece of writing nearly every week. As a procrastinator who, if they ever made it an Olympic sport, would be up there on the winner's rostrum, it as a good way to stay focused. And I freely confess that I have learned practically all of what I know about blogging and social media from reading other people's blogs.

Interestingly, for the first time in 17 years, several of my Yr 13 students have reported being told at University visits that a blog would be an asset to mention on their personal statements (Art and Design, and English and Creative Writing seem to be the courses that like them). Never happened before, and speaks volumes about the status blogging has achieved in the mainstream academic world. 

So I'm carrying on blogging. If for no other reason than it took me ages to lug The Pink Sofa up three flights of stairs to the tiny garret at the top of Hedges Towers, where I write. And I've just finished assembling the white birch coffee table, which I had to do in Swedish as they sent the wrong instructions. 

How about you, though? Bloggerphile, or bloggerphobe? Feel free to share your thoughts...