Law and Disorder

Roman Snail

First, here's the good news: I have discovered a new diet. Ditch Dukan, forget fasting, sack stomach stapling and bin breaking everything into little pieces so that the calories fall out. This diet is called: Drrrrrr (drum-roll) The Lay Advocate Diet!

Our Public Inquiry has finished, and I can now fit into the kick mother-of-the-bride dress I bought that needed, ooh, a tad less hip and a tad more hooray to be totally comfortable. I am slowly readjusting to not being constantly referred to by the Council's unpleasant lawyer as 'The Applicant', which made me sound like a character out of a novel by Charles Dickens - one of those who hung around outside workhouses looking indigent.

And I haven't had the recurring bus dream for several nights: Long story. Not enough time to relate the surrounding circumstances now. Suffice to say that the therapy is helping greatly, thanks for being concerned. The Inspector has given me a couple more weeks to make my final written submission, as Chummy (the nickname we gave the Council's obnoxious self-important barrister) put in so much extra documentation outwith the exchange protocol, I didn't get time to study it all. So I shall continue to be a razor blade in their candyfloss for a while longer.

Highlights of the past few days: Prancing around in a pencil skirt and smart tailored jacket. Getting away with almost being a lawyer - then realizing that I don't have to pretend to be one again. Ever. Being applauded for my speech. That memorable moment on the second day when Chummy sneeringly remarked that, 'as the Applicant is not a qualified lawyer, I'd better explain the Beresford Case to her,' and the Inspector slapped him down with, 'I have read Mrs Hedges' folder and listened to her opening statements, and I believe she has an extremely good grasp of the law.'

Regrets? I have a few, but then again, too few to mention - oh go on, since you asked: Discovering  that my 'intelligent' face seems to be identical to my 'one brain cell and it's out to lunch' face. Also it would have been nice to have finished completely. It would have been equally nice to have got up, crossed the floor and punched Chummy when he subjected one of my lovely volunteer community witnesses to a bullying cross-examination. Most of all, I regret never getting to use the word  'bailywick' somewhere in the proceedings because it is such a great word, and I hadn't come across it before the Leveson Inquiry and I've been dying to use it ever since. But then, I'm not a lawyer, so it's not strictly my bailywick.