Sunday, 29 July 2012

How Not to Launch an Ebook

So, this is the current state of play: the cat has recovered from her cystitis. Talented Daughter has handed over the sword she came across in her new cycle shed to the police, and I have finally managed to fit the very complicated state-of-the-art seat covers in the 2CV - I'm sure the tips of my fingers will regrow in time. Anything else to report? Nope: you're up to speed.


Meanwhile I'm sure that it hasn't escaped your notice that there is a plethora of 'How to do it'  advice out there. How to become a millionaire in a year; How to have a beautiful garden; How to stuff your face with pies and cakes and lose weight at the same time (sorry, I made that last one up).


All this helpful advice is written by experts in the various fields for, gentle blog-readers, we want to learn how to do things properly and well. We want to think of ourselves as successful 'can-do' sort of people. Except, it appears, for one particular intention deficit disordered individual among us. So allow me, as an 'expert' in the art of  'How not to do it' to share the following advice with you:


1. Do not launch your ebook at the same time as a major sporting event. It is the Olympics. Nobody is reading books. Nobody is buying books. Nobody is in the remotest way interested in books. Everyone is glued to the TV.


2. Do not launch your ebook during the summer holidays. See above, but with added sea.


3. Do not think that just because you write books, you can also write blurb. Professionally qualified sub-editors earn good money  doing this. You are not one of them.


4. Do not write the only book in the whole history of fiction that does not seem to fit into any perceivable category on Amazon Kindle. You will inevitably categorise it wrongly. Readers will notice. And they will say so. Publicly.


5. Do not believe all those people that say uploading to Amazon is a breeze. They are lying in their teeth. Think childbirth: hard work, bewildering and messy.


6. Do not totally neglect to organise a publicity schedule. Faffing around on Facebook and Twitter is not a publicity schedule. 


7. Do not do a great long blog about how not to launch an ebook when you haven't actually launched the ebook yet because you are still struggling to sort out all of the above.


You see: I told you I was an expert!




This is the cover. Like it?

20 comments:

  1. The cover looks great! And these are all good points!

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    1. Thanks Kelly. Hope you may be able to read it. One day. If and when...

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  2. Great cover, and thanks for the what not to do points.. It would be so much easier if we had assistants, yes?

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  3. I do like it! And all good points that an inexperienced writer might not think about.

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  4. Thanks ladies. I'll pass your views on cover to Designer Dave. The heroine is a feisty Sarah Lund/Lizbeth Salander 16yr old Norwegian teenager. Johanna: Yup - and I'm the inexperienced writer!

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  5. Yes lovely cover.I did laugh at all your points and yes I've heard people saying it was so easy to do. Do you want their names? LOL

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  6. Great cover and great post. It made me smile :)

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  7. I like your sense of humour. Great post.

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    1. thanks Lynn. Boy, technology is HARD

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  8. Loved your blog so much I've added you to my blogroll :) Great insight, yes there are so many 'how to blogs' out there, your how not to post provides a humorous twist on this theme. Will definitely keep reading, thanks, Kaz

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    1. thanks Kaz. May be coming your way for guest blog if ever get organised. Unlikely.

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  9. LOL, I bet if you changed title of ebook to 'How to stuff your face with pies and cakes and still lose weight' someone would take notice, Olympics or not. Fab cover!

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    1. Glad you like it, and thanks for guest blog.

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  10. Thanks Juliet - Titles that changed the world!!!! Maybe I should start a comp? NZ friend, thanks for following. I will do so also. Welcome aboard the fun and mayhem that is this blog!

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  11. Don't the readers buy books during summer holidays? As summer reads? That one confused me (and of course I could be mistaken), otherwise, good points!

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  12. Hi angel! Thanks for your comment. Hopefully they do - but I've been told that late Summer /Autumn is better. Mind you, the time it's taking to get this uploaded, it probably WILL be Autumn! Glad you enjoyed the blog.

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  13. Oh Carol, you made me giggle! :) Hope you're coping okay and that you're working out the kinks.

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  14. Was that bit about the sword again? Good luck with the book!

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    1. Hi Chris... See, this is what happens when you blink on this blog. You miss stuff. Okay: TD moved to Highgate (Blog: In my end). Put bike in new shed. Found sword!! Decided not to dump in wheelie bin,responsible girl, so rang police. Police came. Took sword away, in 2 Tesco carrier bags - all she had in flat.
      And you think your life is complicated? : )

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  15. Oh dear - guess I should have read this first.......

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