Saturday, 30 March 2013

Carmageddon

It's been a frustrating week at Hedges Towers. BH's car is playing up again. It is an Italian car, and so was built for the wide open Italian roads, where the sun shines down, and the breeze gently blows and it bowls along at speed, with Volare by Dean Martin on the sound system. What it gets instead is rain, snow, slush and potholes you could go caving in.

The car expresses its dissatisfaction by continually going wrong, and informing us in no uncertain terms of how it is feeling. Every time we set off, a series of alerts come up on the dashboard: Rear left sidelight not working, we are informed. Motor control system failure, we are told. Front headlight not working. And so on and so on. And that's on top of the Possible ice on the road and other potential weather hazards that it feels it has to warn us about. Why it can't just come straight out with it and say: I hate this sodding country, I do not know, but its discontent is costing us enough to keep a small African township in food for a year.

The other way the car lets us know it is unhappy is via the parking sensor. Every time BH backs it into a parking space, or up the drive, a small squat evil Italian Mama clad in black waves her gnarled finger and shouts: No.. No..NONONONO! Or at least that's what it sounds like. My friend E has a similar problem. Her car is one of those people carriers (she has 3 kids and a dog) and it has parking sensors on all sides. It is like being attacked by a trio of smurf castrati.

A further problem with E's car is the colour: it is metallic silver, like practically every car on the road nowadays, which means whenever we go out, we almost always lose it in some multi-storey car park. The time we have wasted going from floor to floor, suddenly locating it, but then realizing at the last minute that it is not hers. We have even resorted to walking up and down pressing the key fob in the vain hope that it will beep and let us know where it is hiding - because honestly, that is what it feels like at times. The conspiracy of cars. I'm sure it exists.

Annie Rose
My car on the other hand, is French and so it couldn't give a damn. You kerb it, or park it askew, or scrape it along something, it just shrugs and goes tant pis. It also has this habit of taking on other cars, especially   'baby on board' landcruisermobiles driven (badly) by the blonde yummy mummies who live in my town. These behemoths are completely unsuitable for the narrowish streets and my 2CV hates them. Whenever we get into a confrontation on a bridge or up a hill, it simply refuses to go into reverse. Just waits, sneering with Gallic insouciance, until the other car is forced to back down. Nothing I can do, honest.

We are thinking of putting my car up as a candidate in the next local elections, on the basis that it has no political affiliations, it knows no developers, you can't bribe it and it does no deliberate harm to anybody. After all, if Caligula could make his horse a consul, I don't see why my car couldn't be a councillor.
Do you?





33 comments:

  1. This made me laugh out loud,then hurt my head as I had a few alcoholic drinks last night. I think your car wins hands down I love that it won't go into reverse. It should definitely run for council it would do a lot better than the ones in charge at the moment.

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  2. Thanks. Had DD and husband in car yesterday - and it whinged all the way to London! I am NOT making this stuff up. Really.

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  3. I love your car. It would certainly get my vote if it drove for government in my constituency. But I have to shout out in defence of reversing beepy things. I've always prided myself on being an excellent parker - I used to stand markets and if you couldn't park you had to walk a long way carrying heavy boxes twice a day - but now with my beepy support I can amaze pedestrians by sliding my Fiesta into the teensiest of spaces.

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    1. It's the tone of beep - it really sounds as if he's being shouted at!!Agree, they are useful, but I do 'French Parking': aim at kerb. Hit Kerb. Park, so don't need them.

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  4. Bonne route, Madame! Roulez bien! Je me suis très bien amusée!

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    1. Merci beaucoup,mon amie! Comme toujours!

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  5. Your car's decisions can't be any worse than any others councils make.

    (I've got no car, so I'm assuming I'm disenfranchised?)

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  6. Obviously YOUR car has taken on the personality of its owner in that it's ...obstreperous, autonomous, humorous.....and destined to be famous I 'd say!...You always bring chortles and cheer to my day......STOP IT!...;) x

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    1. Sorry. I don't make this stuff up, honestly...

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  7. I too laughed out loud at this. I so know what you mean about that gallic indifference. I had a 2CV once. It would make council meetings interesting that's for sure. How would it register a vote, I wonder? The shrug or the contemptuous snort of its rather nasal hooter? But I empathise with BH's car even more. I can relate *very* well to its feelings.

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  8. Very funny stuff this morning Carol. I've always loved the look of your car, now I get to admire its insufferable French arrogance. And it sounds like BH needs a good, honest Mini! :) Really enjoyed this. Thanks for starting my day with a few laughs!

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    1. Thanks Mr Hap. Glad you enjoyed it! Do my best.

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  9. We tend to have German cars - very little romance but they don't tend to break down!

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  10. Our car is also Italian with a mind of its own. PLUS, we won it at Legoland so it almost seems to say, 'Well you got me for nothing so what do you expect?!'
    Now the Citroen (Picasso) that we had before, we knew where we were with THAT car so I can totally see where you're coming from.

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    1. I swear there is a national car characteristic! I have had 4 2CV's and they were all laid back and shruggy!

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  11. Another fab blog I hope you don't have a copyright on them as week by week I am weaving them into a new WIP only joking X

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  12. Well, my car, being truly British (a Mini), is far too polite to beep at my parking. In fact, my parking is so horrendous, and the atmosphere is so tense that no-one dare utter a note. Loved this post - so funny : ))

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  13. Stick to good old British white vans, Carol, and you can't go wrong!

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  14. Thanks, Carol. That's very funny. I'll make sure to give any pugnacious 2CV a wide berth. Lady Marmalade has enough dents and scratches, she doesn't need a pink one.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it! We, who drive unusual cars, are a breed apart. Especially thee and me!!!

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  15. Thanks for your interesting posts. I have awarded you the Liebster Award.

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  16. Your car will receive my vote!

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  17. Hah! Is it left hand drive, like me?

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  18. Just as you can tell a lot about a dog owner from his or her pet, the same is true for cars. Bravo!

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    1. This is a very interesting thought!!! I have always had quirky cars ( mainly 2cv's) and anybody who knows me will say, yup, it figures. BH goes for the Vrooom....type of car Saabs, Alfa Romeos, which I hate. ....maybe a blog in this...Doesn't apply to cats though....

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  19. Go, car, hope you get elected! I don't see why this should't happen. I love the fish, BTW - where can I get some?

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    1. It's a Blogger App - but I think you can get them on other media - google do one....

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  20. Carol I think your car is FAB. If I could drive I would have one just like it in purple! I love it. I can never find our car in car parks either and it is blue. MOT due next month eeeeeek, we get have got attached to our car and don't want to part with it, and it is now that old we have missed having a CD in a new one, due to all new ones having just a gadget for your gadgety things to play your music on now. Great post that made me smile :)

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    1. Thanks. Sadly, I don't make this stuff up; it really happens!

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